Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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