I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
