That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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