I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
