Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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