It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
