Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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