Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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