Ketchup is God's man juice
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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