I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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