I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
