Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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