These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
