your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
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We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.