the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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