I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Randomize
