My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
