I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't deserve a penis
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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