i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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