i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
