i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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