I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
