dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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