the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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