Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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