why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
