he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
