Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
