Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
