he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
