Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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