Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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