so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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