if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
