So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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