I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
