Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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