I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
