"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.