you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
pop tarts are not kleenex
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
