Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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