she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
