The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize