Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
