I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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