There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
