my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
