I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The feeling are messing with the penis
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
