I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
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you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
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You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.