Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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