im drinking this country out of the recession.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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