Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
