I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete