conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
