I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
