a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
