I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
