Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
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It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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