There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
