Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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