apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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